The Princess
Once upon a time in a land far, far away there lived a beautiful princess named Broom Hilda. She was, by far, the best looking young lady in the land. Her father, King Ralph, commanded a vast and wealthy empire. One day, King Ralph decided that his daughter should be married by her eighteenth birthday, which was only five days away.
"Broom hilda," he said, "you will soon be wed. Do you have someone in mind, or shall I find your prince?"
"Oh, Daddy," said she, "I know of no man for me. But I think I have a plan to help me find the man who will be my prince and husband."
So the princess told her father to have all the men that he considered eligible to bring a gift for her as a sign of their love for her. From their gifts she would choose. One would win, the rest would lose.
Well, King Ralph could only think of three men worthy of being his daughter's husband and his son and, eventually, king of all the land. The day before Broom Hilda's eighteenth birthday these three suitors came to the castle with gifts in hand.
The first, a stunningly handsome man named Cornelius, offered an exquisite golden figurine of a unicorn with ruby eyes and speckled with diamonds.
The second, Trevor, was worldly and wise. He had traveled extensively and the brass chest that he brought Broom Hilda was filled with treasures from foreign lands.
The third man, whose name was Alfred, was a carpenter in the capital who had an excellent reputation as an honest man. His gift to Broom Hilda was a oaken jewelry box, ornately carved, but simply and strongly constructed.
Broom Hilda thought and thought and thought about which she ought to choose. As midnight approached, her father came to her chamber and asked for her decision.
"My loving father," she said, "I choose . . . none of them!"
"What?" her father shouted. "But thou must be wed by the morrow. choose someone or I will choose for thee!"
The fair princess insisted, "But I have already chosen someone, just none of them. Father, thou hast brought me losers.
"The first," she snottily declared, "was gay. Cornelius -- just the name alone is gay. But he hath explained this to me on the side. What a waste of good flesh! When thou called upon him, he thought you said, 'Be a groom for a PRINCE!' Of course he was confused at first, but, nevertheless, decided not to miss out.
"The second," she selfishly continued, "was the biggest jerk. He longed for nothing more than to share my panties. Which was fine until I found out where he got the chest of jewels from. I heard him talking to his horse. He wed four other ladies and killed them to collect their riches. Did thou knowest that?"
"Um . . . Well . . . . " the fat slob stammered.
"And the third," she rudely interrupted, "was just a geek. Nothing but a low-down, scum-sucking, beer-belly, pigeon-toed, sniveling, groveling, boot-licking, worthless piece of slime!"
By this time, the lazy king was very upset. "So then," he whined, "who do you plan to marry?"
"Johan," she declared proudly, like the snobby, brainwashed, spoiled brat that she was. "He's the male prostitute on the other side of the court."
"I won't allow it!" the king declared.
"Tough," she rebelled as she took the dagger from the vanity and shoved it up his belly button and pulled it out his nose.
The next day Hilda and Johan were married, only for Hilda to find out that Johan was married to Charlotte. Hilda and Charlotte were both furious at Johan, so they killed him and married each other and lived happily ever after!
