I lost my waders! The waitresses were fine, but after the night in the motel, my partner, Spag-man, and I decided to go fishing down south. Rather, my partner decided; I was literally dragged along! I’ve never gone out on a boat, for fear of falling in and electrocuting myself. No, I haven’t touched water since I became the new person I am today. I actually generate my own inner energy. If you’re wondering about showers, I don’t stink, either. The shower in our lush bachelor pad (that we call a secret base back in the Grande Kloopta mountain range in southern New Hampshire) is one of those space age things with the air jets that do that sanitizing thing that’s so neat. Kind of like those things that the scientists have in the deep underground laboratories for working on dangerous contaminants. It rocks!

I have actually fought crime in the rain before, but my inner energy radiates from me so much that I can evaporate just about any drop of liquid that comes near me. The few drops that do get through are so thin and light that I barely notice them. They just end up as a slight stinging sensation, but that isn’t too often. It is often enough, though, that I could bet sure money that falling into a body of water, like the lake outside our mountain-base-slash-bachelor-pad, or maybe the Atlantic Ocean, would hurt like hell!

Well, anyway, you can imagine my surprise when my partner-in-crime-fighting told me to pack up for a fishing trip. Spag-man threw a bag at me and I filled it quickly (as I do most everything) with some extra changes of my super suits, my aforementioned elusive waders, some reading material (comic books and Maxims) and, of course, my sonic toothbrush. It wasn’t for many minutes (thinking is not one of the quicker things I do) that I realized something that made me stop in my tracks. Or rather, I would have if my tracks could keep up with me. It’s rather difficult being an effervescent creature.

"Hey, Spag?"

"Yo!" he said. He tries to say as little as possible, usually.

"If we’re going fishing," I started, "wouldn’t that mean we would be near water? Like, liquid water?"

"How observative," he murmured. I was so sick with shock that I didn’t even correct his verbiage.

"But I’ll get electrocuted!"

"You don’t know that. Maybe you can just turn it off when you want."

"Wouldn’t that be nice," I scoffed. "Every superhero has their own form of kryptonite; something that will hurt them when all else fails, like Superman and his… um… well, his kryptonite! An Achilles’ Heal, like Achilles and…" and he glared at me. "Nevermind! Anyway, yours might be a hungry Italian family, but mine is water! Plain and simple life-giving water."

Spag-man sighed. He loves to do that. "You’re making a big deal out of nothing. We’ll be in a boat. A big boat, so just stay away from the edge and you’ll be fine."

"Don’t you have to be by the edge to fish?"

"We’re going to be in a really big boat," he said, talking slowly as if I were a complete idiot. Occasionally, I think he’s right. "There will be a railing around the edge of the boat. And the pole will be bolted to the deck since we’re fishing for sharks, anyway."

"Really?" This perked me up quite a bit. I had never been shark fishing. Oh, sure, I had eaten shark at a restaurant and it was good, but I didn’t actually catch it. That would be really neat!

So I shut up about it and continued getting my last minute stuff together. We wouldn’t take a whole lot since we knew we could get whatever we wanted for free (since we ARE superheroes) and we really don’t need that much anyway. We don’t really need to eat food, since we are fed somewhat intravenously by the ion energy all around us. Especially at our bachelor… er… secret base.

So I finished packing and made the idiotic mistake of asking him where we were going. And then he made the idiotic mistake of telling me. And I intelligently planted my feet at the door and refused to budge.

"The Bermuda Triangle?" I had given in on the fishing thing, but this was too much! "I am not going to the Bermuda Triangle to go fishing for sharks! Neither us nor the sharks or even the boat will be found again."

"That’s bullhockey," he said. "That’s just a bunch of junk to attract tourists. Like us!"

"I don’t care what you do, I am not leaving this doorway!" And I planted my feet against the doorjamb and dug my fingers right into the wood and clung there with all my might. Well, almost all my might… I am a superhero, after all.

And Spag-man grabbed my tensed arm and flew off. And I followed right after him, my bag trailing behind me, nearly choking me, and the doorjamb still in my hands and all around me.

He does that!

* * * * * * * * *

What a paranoid sourpuss! I mean, I thought I had problems with making waffles ever again after that bizarre episode, but this guy really has it bad. And he hasn’t even had a bad experience yet with water. In fact, he hasn’t even gone near water. Talk about paranoia! Granted, I haven’t gone near a hungry Italian family yet, but that’s beside the point! It’s not like I get placed in that path often, you know!

Anyway, as I dragged Effervescent Fluorescent Boy behind me I noticed that he was the most immobile I had ever seen him. And he looked rather silly with that doorframe around him. Rather like my own personal episode of The Twilight Zone. Which brought to mind images of the Bermuda Triangle. Ah, it was all a bunch of hogwash and baloney. Just some hype to attract the tourists who would gladly pay out their noses for a chance to be disappeared into oblivion. They think it would be fun! Then maybe they’ll reappear on another planet they’ll like better or some time in the future. Hell, they could end up in a black hole and completely lost in time and space! Wouldn’t that be thoroughly zestful?

So I dragged him along with one arm and pulled out my favorite superhero help book (Courage and Valor by Hugo Furst and Justin Case) and flew along at only Mach II (with no arms out in front of you, it’s harder to steer, so I fly slower) all the time keeping an eye out for mountains, airplanes and those damn UFOs. You know how those UFOs can get! During one such time that I looked up from my reading, I noticed something like pants falling to the earth far below us. But since neither of us brought anything but our extra super suits and reading material, I didn’t think much of it. Granted, again, it was bright yellow, but I figured that was just coincidence.

Besides, it didn’t matter anyway, because we were there. The Bermuda Triangle! One of the greatest mysteries in the world! Right up there with the Great Pyramids of Giza, the Lost City of Atlantis, Tibetan Monasteries, what lies at the bottom of the Mariana Trench and how the Rolling Stones are considered to be talented! And, sure enough, the place was littered with trucks, cars, jeeps, boats, cats, dogs and humans with cameras and camcorders! Of course, we were still on the island of Bermuda; we hadn’t actually gone out into the Triangle yet. And we were already surrounded by stupid spectators and trailer trash tourists. Luckily, there wouldn’t be so much room on the boat we were going on. If all else failed, I could have Florey brighten and blind the bastards and drive them away from us. Humans! I sighed!

Did you see that coming?

* * * * * * * * *

It’s a good thing that Spag-man put me down right then. My arm was really sore! I guess I know now how he felt when I dragged him to Washington D.C., but I would never tell him that! I couldn’t bear to listen to it! So I just sucked it up and popped my shoulder back into place and looked around.

It didn’t seem too bad, since I couldn’t see any water at all. Then I noticed that half of the humans were only there from the waist up. They were standing in the water… and there were so many of the screwballs that the water was barely visible… and they were all yelling up at the sky for the aliens to come and take them away! I was beginning to understand why Spaggy sighed so much.

We caught the attention of the nearest lunatics who just looked at us expectantly as if we were the ones who would take them away. Little did they know that we would have taken them far away if they had only asked… straight to the nearest padded cell… all of them! Tight squeeze but, hey, we are superheroes after all!

One of the freaks turned to us and said, "Who the heck are you freaks?" We would have laughed but, luckily, we realized in time that this would have ruined our image. Instead we introduced ourselves, lowering our voice a couple octaves for the effect, of course.

"I am Eveready Spaghetti Boy, keeper of the secret spaghetti recipe and a lot of strange things in my suit that I didn’t know I had!"

"And I am Effervescent Fluorescent Boy, keeper of the secret inner light and more energy than one mere mortal should be allowed!"

The booming voices seemed to have the desired effect because they all just continued staring at us in awe.

"Yeah, right! You guys are just freaks in pajamas!" And everyone laughed and turned back to what they were doing, cheering at the sky for some World War II bomber to drop out onto their heads from some vortex in the clouds.

So maybe the voices didn’t work!

We walked to the dock and found our boat. Spag-man had to drag me onto the boat, at least part way. And I’m proud to say that once we got over the water on the boarding ramp, he no longer had to drag me. I am, however, ashamed to say that the reason for this was that I was now clinging to him out of sheer terror! So he ended up just carrying me onto the boat. Anything to get me on board, right? The hard part for him was just trying to get me to let go. Promising me the fishing chair that was bolted to the deck was a good start. Once I noticed it had a seatbelt, I was all for it! So I unclung myself from him and strapped myself in the chair. I felt much better, but still a bit nervous at being surrounded by all that water.

I did notice eventually that only five people showed up, including us. And one of those others was the captain of this small boat, which he had dubbed The Minnow. When he told us that this would just be a three-hour tour we all tried to get off the boat (well, they did, I just sat in my safe little chair), but Captain Morgan was smart and had already got us a half-mile out before telling us.

The other two passengers were Lucy Furr and Harriet Feline, best friends from college. Wasn’t that adorable? They were just here looking to see if they, too, could be disappeared into oblivion. They giggled at this. Typical! They said they were also here to find some good strong men to take them home and… well, let’s just say we fit the bill rather well! Of course, I wasn’t looking too brave and strong strapped into my fishing chair, but I put on a good act.

Little did I know that the safety of that fishing chair would nearly become a major disaster for me!

Captain Morgan anchored the boat and announced it was time to go shark fishing. I almost jumped out of the chair with delight but I ended up leaving a nice bruise instead.

"Can I go can I go can I go can I go?" I blurted.

"Arrr… o’ course ye’ll be goin’, ye scurvy dog! Ye’re sittin’ in the chair o’ honor, an’ by th’ looks o’ it, strapped in tighter’n a guppy on prom night!"

We all blinked. Maybe twice.

So he placed the fishing pole in the slot at my feet and I got a good grip on it. I had a good grip; I had been practicing my grip since I was ten years old. And, boy, was it a nice grip! In fact, the fishing pole kind of reminded me of when I used to practice… Nevermind!

I was thoroughly bored! And that’s not easy for me, I’m sure you’ve noticed. Just like normal fishing, you just cast and wait. Nothing exciting! That was fine when I was my old self and could relax doing this, but with as much energy as I have now I couldn’t relax. I just had to do something! So I turned to face Lucy and began a great flirting session.

She was so into it; I was on a roll. We talked about her classes and my new career. She was quite impressed that I was a superhero, though I think she was just thinking it was a pick-up line and didn’t really believe me. I wanted to give her a demonstration, but after many repeated sighs by Spag-man I realized I would have to wait until I stopped fishing.

But I didn’t really have to, since I caught something right then! It jerked on the pole and damn near yanked me out of the seat. Captain Morgan started barking orders on how to land the seemingly gigantic shark. But I couldn’t understand a word he said, so I just tugged and it yanked and I pulled and it thrashed and all the time it never broke the surface of the water. It was diving!

So I put some hero strength into it and decided to pull the stinking fish out of the water. And it proceeded to pull me right off the boat! Chair and all!

And there I was, flying through the air, pole still in hand, chair strapped to my body, being dragged along by some freakish hellion I couldn’t even see! Then I noticed that the chair was weighing me down. The water was coming closer and closer and I thought it was the end for sure. I thought on my feet (which wasn’t easy to do since I was twenty feet in the air) and put on my flying power. Then I called up my electrical power and fried the straps of the chair and it fell into the water. What a great display for the cute girls! I was feeling really heroic and studly!

And I reeled in the fish while trying to stay aloft in the air. And then the fish broke the surface and I discovered it wasn’t a shark at all. It was a massive goldfish! It had to be about six feet long and very round. Then the goldfish stopped in the water. And it turned toward me… upward! And it swam toward me… UPWARD! And it stopped right in front of my face and spoke!

"You remove catch from my mouth!" It wasn’t just a statement, it was a demand!

And who was I to argue with a six foot flying, speaking goldfish?

* * * * * * * * *

Florey landed on the boat again after being out of sight for many minutes. I was starting to get a little worried that he had fallen into the water and really had electrocuted himself. Just a little! Lucy was in a tizzy, though. She freaked out (which is hard to do for freaks, but she did) when he was yanked off the deck. She did see the flying and the zapping of the chair, which impressed her greatly. But once he was out of range she panicked again. So I reached in my suit and pulled out… and she screamed and starting smacking me and her friend, Harriet, joined in. This confused me greatly! No, I know why they were hitting me, and that’s what confused me! Then I pulled out a pair of binoculars and thrust them at Lucy and they both finally stopped and backed away from me without so much as an apology. Sheesh! Humans!

She didn’t say much. Just a couple gasps and then she said, "He’s coming back!"

And he did, and he landed on the boat, which I already told you, so I won’t bother saying it again. I think!

Florey looked at me and said, "That wasn’t a shark. It was a goldfish!"

Everyone looked at him and he noticed how silly he must have sounded. And he really didn’t care, because then he said, "It flew up to me and told me to let it go."

Harriet started mumbling something about the good ones being head cases. Lucy just looked at me and I could do nothing but shrug and whisper, "He’s like that!" But as I looked at my friend I knew that he could not have made up something like that. I had seen too much and, unfortunately, I knew that he had seen just as much as I had. I had seen waffle-loving bunnies from Hell; he had seen psycho frogs from space; we had both seen meat-eating worms from outer space who were allergic to chocolate and miniature butterflies who changed the weather for fun. We were both nearly killed by super-intelligent squirrels that tried to take over major governments. We really didn’t have much luck with innocent animals!

The ever-intelligent Captain Morgan said, "Arrrrrr… ye can’t be seeeerious, matey! Thar be no goldy-fish in this heeer patch o’ blue! An’ they be not o’ strength to be pullin’ the likes o’ ye off’n this heeer trawler."

We all just stared at him for a while, and I turned back to Florey and said, "I have a bad feeling about this."

He grinned at me and opened his mouth and I was sighing before he finished speaking. "I think it’s pretty cool," he said. "Huge big goldfish that fly! Maybe we could make friends with him and he could help us in our superhero-ly duties. Maybe there are many of them and we could all…"

"HUSH!" I yelled. He did. "Maybe we had just better go back to the mainland and hope that nothing too terrible comes of this."

Florey smiled at me and said just one word, "Mainland!"

I sighed and said, "I know, I don’t want to be around those freaks either, but I don’t think we should…." And that was as far as I got because right then I noticed that the boat was twenty feet above the water. And Lucy and Harriet were clinging to our legs out of terror. That was nice, but Captain Morgan wrapped around my waist was just annoying. Actually, everything about Captain Morgan was annoying, but I let it go.

And then Florey pointed out that our boat was now fifty feet over a jagged reef. Fifty feet and rising! And then stopping! And then, just when I was beginning to wonder if the danger was ever going to come along, we were falling!

Florey and I thought quickly and we scooped up the girls, and then we scooped up the captain as an afterthought. And just as we gained air, we heard and saw the little Minnow splatter on the rocks below us.

"ARRRRR… me fishin’ trawler! Me pride n’ joy! Arrggghhhh…!"

I squelched the urge to let the Bluebeard reject drop to the jagged rocks along with his boat. Florey and I looked at each other and, without a word, took the three humans back to the mainland.

* * * * * * * * *

The mainland was in just as bad of shape as it was when we left. People were fishing off the bed of their monster trucks, which were parked in the water. Only one person caught anything and that was another fisherman. Everyone started cheering when they saw us coming. Until they noticed it was "just those freaks in their pajamas!" They weren’t even impressed by the flying! I was bummed!

But not for long, I’m sure you might have guessed. As I set the two ladies down, they kept giggling about the electrical tingling they got as I carried them. That made me smile. Lucy asked me if I had a cattle prod in my pocket. I smiled and told her I didn’t have any pockets in my suits, and walked away. Their giggling stopped briefly, but then they were doing it again. I let them. I knew!

Spag-man was right behind me with Captain Morgan and I could see the pain on Spaggy’s face, even more than normal. The good, if unintelligible, captain was barking something inane again. Spag-man set him down and just walked away without turning back. We walked up to each other and I could see that he was also visibly upset about the stupid grin on my face, though he didn’t know what it was for. And I didn’t tell him.

"What do you think, my pasta peeping partner?" I asked. He didn’t even growl or sigh at this like I thought he would.

"I think that something terrible is about to happen," he replied.

"What do you think we should do?"

"Wait for something terrible to happen."

And we did. We wandered around the crowd, receiving laughs wherever we went. I made sure to keep Lucy and Harriet close by and interested in what we were doing so they didn’t stray off to find other, more interesting men. It was rather difficult to keep them interested since we were just standing there watching things happen and hoping nothing else happened. But just when I thought I was about to lose them for good, we got another chance to show off.

There was a scream from behind us in the water. Spag-man and I turned to see the big monster truck rising from the water, the driver still behind the wheel and his friends still "fishing" off the back. That was just strange, but the old man directly underneath the truck (who was wearing his waders, I noticed) didn’t seem like he would move out of the way fast enough. So, as the truck started to descend, Eveready Spaghetti Boy and I, Effervescent Fluorescent Boy, sprang into action.

Spaggy reached into his tights and pulled out a very long wet noodle (yes, it really was a wet noodle) and whipped it out and grabbed the old man and yanked him to the shore. I leapt off the ground and grabbed the truck by the top of the cab to slow its descent, settling it gently into the water once more. We were impressive! Harriet and Lucy cheered for us. Everyone else just stared at us. The driver of the truck told me not to put a dent in it. So I just stood where I was, hoping the dent would come on its own.

If it didn’t, I could help it along a bit.

* * * * * * * * *

I hadn’t been this agitated since the last time I wore plastic underwear. Not even Florey made me this ticked! We had flying goldfish and flying trucks. And we had no idea what was causing either of them. But that’s why we were there. No, we weren’t there for a fishing vacation that was so richly deserved, as was our original intention. No such luck for us! We were going to get waylaid by some unknown terror of gravity.

Then the unknown terror revealed itself. A few people started screaming and looking at the water they were standing in. I couldn’t see very well what was happening but Florey’s eyes got wide as he looked down into the water from his vehicular perch. A school of goldfish as big as Volvos floated up out of the water all among the screaming people. They stopped about fifteen feet in the air and the largest one rose a few feet higher, obviously a sign of leadership.

"We are the Super Anti-Gravity Goldfish of Icky Pond!" it announced. We looked around to find out why he called it "icky" and noticed the scummy people wading throughout the water and we understood.

"My name is Newton," it continued, "and I speak for all fish and swimmy things in the waters. For too long, you humans have put sharp things in our mouths and pulled us out of our home, never to return. We will not take it any more! The catch you used today was the last one. Ha-whoomp!" And there was a burst of "Ha-whoomp" throughout the goldfish in response.

Everyone looked around mumbling how nobody had caught anything all day. Florey cleared his throat and I sighed.

"Excuse me, Mr. Goldfish," he said. "That was my fault. I was fishing for sharks and I accidentally caught your friend instead. I sincerely apologize, please don’t take it out on these good people."

We all waited for a response. Eventually, as if thinking was a strain, it answered. We didn’t really like what it had to say.

"You will not catch any more fish; they are all our brothers in fish-dom. We demand a sacrifice of my choosing. Many sacrifices!" And another "Ha-whoomp" from the masses.

"But what about the sharks?" I asked. "Don’t they eat you guys?"

More silence; I could almost smell the smoke from his overworked fish brains! "Well, yes… but they are still brothers and we can not hold that against them. Our point is you are catching us and we do not like it!"

I sighed!

Then the well-meaning captain spoke his own language again. "Arrr… ye fishy be spoutin’ a whale’s mass in blubber! Be not ye th’ urchin what anchored me trawler to th’ rocks and cast me life into the briny blue?"

Nobody knew what the hell he was talking about. Nobody except Newton. The stupid fish must have been bi- or trilingual, because he answered Pirate Phonics in his very own language. "Arrr… open yer ears ye scurvy seaweed," Newton started. "Aye, it be us bein’ the ones what scattered yer dingy across the blue and made to feed ye to the plankton! An’ t’ain’t bein’ nothin’ ye’ll be doin’ about it, ‘ceptin’ to waddle home an’ blubber on yer mommy’s leg!"

We were all thoroughly confused and nobody made any show otherwise. Then Captain Morgan screamed his garbled scream as he began to float high above the other trash, er… humans!

* * * * * * * * *

While he held the captain high over the crowd, Newton said, "And this is for not giving us the proper credit for inventing gravity!"

Spag-man said, "Hey fish, you didn’t invent gravity. It’s been here since the start of the planet. It was only discovered a few centuries ago by Sir Isaac New…. Nevermind!"

"Isaac WHAT? Newton?? He even stole my name?" Newton floated very still for a moment, still holding the captain in midair. And then he ordered the generic order that my partner and I were waiting for. "Destroy them all!"

"Oh yeah," I said, "we’ve all heard that before."

And all the anti-gravity goldfish of "Icky Pond" descended into the water from whence they came.

"Hey fish," Spag-man said again, "where are you going? Aren’t you going to stick around and fight like real men?"

"No," Newton said. "We are going back into the water to fight like real fish! Unless we are only raising ourselves, we can only anti-gravitate other things when we are in water. Except me, I’m the leader! Thhbpbppbpbpttt!"

We tucked that nugget of information away for not-so-later use. And the goldfish were gone, under the water.

And Captain Morgan fell! And Lucy and Harriet rose. And we had to save everyone from certain death by plummeting fifty feet or by having something plummet on top of them. I was busy flying around like lightning (which I was very good at) and trying very hard to avoid contact with the water. Spag-man was using his spaghetti whip to grab people and yank them to the shore. I started by grabbing Lucy and Harriet (and, as an afterthought, Captain Morgan) and throwing them at Spag-man, who caught them with his whip and deposited them roughly on the banks of the Atlantic.

And I just had to grab a poor little kitty next who was falling straight toward a pointy rock. So I grabbed him and his fur poofed out with the static electricity I generate, and then I threw him at Spag-man who whipped out a large jar of spaghetti sauce. The poor furball plopped directly into the sauce with a squish, but at least it was a soft landing. Spaggy set the jar down and we continued on our saving spree.

"This is nuts!" I said to Spag-man as I flew by him.

"I know!" he said as I flew by him again.

"We have to do something about those things," I said as I flew by him a third time.

"I know!" he said as I flew by him yet again.

"What do you think we should do?" I asked as I flew by him one more time.

"I don’t know!" he said as I flew by him the last time.

And then everything was calm. The stupid humans were deposited on the shores and they all watched with anxious patience, cameras ready and video recorders with brand new batteries in them catching all the non-action. I, of course, had to turn to one of them and smile and wave. Spag-man sighed heavily and glared at me. I grinned and waved at Lucy, who waved back at me looking very proud.

In the silence, a kitten popped his head out of a jar of spaghetti sauce, meowed a confused meow and promptly proceeded to lick himself clean with great delight.

I perched on top of the monster truck again (ignoring the driver’s cries for me to get off it) and waited for something else to happen. And after a few moments of silence, something did. Newton rose again, alone this time.

"Do you think you can save everyone in the whole world?"

"Do you think you can reach that far?" I asked.

"We can travel under the water to all reaches of the globe and wreak havoc among the human creatures. We can change gravity permanently and everything that relies on gravity will be completely ungravitized! We made gravity and we can use it, buster! We are invincible! MUAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAAHAAAAA!"

"How many times have we heard that one, Spaggy?"

"Oh, at least… um… three? Four? I don’t know!"

"Fat lot of help you are!" I yelled.

"Enough," Newton yelled, his big fish lips flapping with the "F" sound and spraying fish spittle everywhere. It was funny! "We have been denied for so long that we will now wipe the planet of all land-based life-forms."

"That," I said, "is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!"

"What?" Newton said.

"What?" Spag-man said.

"You tell him, honey!" Lucy said.

"Sigh!" Spag-man said.

"You heard me, you damn shark bait!" I stepped down from the top of the truck onto the windshield, leaving a big spider-web crack in it. I heard a scream from the shore. "That is the dumbest reason to eliminate a species or two; just because you didn’t get credit for creating gravity." I stepped onto the hood and left a big foot-sized dent in it, right into the engine. I heard a moan and a whimper from the shore. "I think you’ll find ruling the Earth a bit difficult when you’re deep fried! Spag-man, have you seen my waders?"

"Um…" he said. He blinked and then his eyes got real big. "Uh, no?" He looked to the ground and coughed.

"Then this is going to hurt!"

And with that, I did something that I always loved to do as a kid… a cannonball!

* * * * * * * * *

I watched in mixed fascination and horror as Florey jumped into the lake with a tremendous splash and a large zap. Lightning spread throughout the water like untamed rabid yellow mice. Lucy screamed. The monster truck’s tires popped and the windows all shattered and sprayed glass ten feet. There was a pain-wracked yodel from behind me, but not for long. (Florey later thanked me.)

After a few minutes, the underwater light show stopped and a bunch of the big goldfish floated to the surface, along with other fish and a couple mermaids and various other newly fried seafood. We waited in further silence for the brain-fried light bulb to surface. Lucy was sobbing softly. I sighed!

Just when I was almost afraid my partner was right, his head broke the surface and everyone cheered. He dragged himself out looking quite charred, blackened and smoking, hair standing every which way (more than it was normally). He hugged Lucy, who giggled as a little tingle ran through her, and then he fell on the ground at my feet.

"Don’t say it," he said.

"What? ‘I told you so’?"

"Yes, that!"

"Ok," I said, "I won’t. Still want to make friends with them?"

He groaned. "But man, that really hurt! Did I get them all?"

Déjà vu! "Yes," I said, after looking in the water.

"Good," he said, "You get the next one!"

"Deal," I said.

"You know," he said, "I was just going to float halfway in and turn on my electrical power and let it jump through my waders if I had them. That wouldn’t have been so bad, but that really hurt like hell!" And I coughed again and looked anywhere but at him.

And a shadow fell over us.

It was Newton, still floating in the air. "You think you have destroyed me, but I am invincible! I will spawn a whole new race of anti-gravity goldfish. I will mate with sharks and spawn a species of super-fish who not only anti-gravitate, but also eat things out of the air. No one is safe! You have but delayed the inevitable! I AM INVINCIBLE!"

I looked him right in the eye and said, "You’re a fish!" And I gave a very loud whistle. And Newton began to laugh as I just stared at him. He laughed and he laughed and then he stopped! And a very long, very bright, very bloodstained point forced its way through the floating fish. And there was my friend, Tubboat! My good and faithful unicorn companion, who had visited me every day in my happy little white room, standing as majestically as the day he came into my life so long ago.

He shook the sushi off his horn and walked up to me and gave me a kiss. I had to remind him that I wasn’t into that inter-species relationship thing, and he backed off slightly. I introduced him to Florey, who blinked, and to Lucy and Harriet, who seemed quite taken with him. They all started talking to each other immediately, giggling the whole while. I can’t be sure, but they were either talking about how sexy Florey and I were or exchanging hair tips.

I thanked my shining pearly friend and told him I would call if I needed him again. He seemed put out and tossed his mane at me and pranced proudly off, and, with head and tail hung high, he disappeared into a mist that wasn’t there before. The girls were totally impressed and there was no doubt that they were… "in the mood for play!"

"Come along, Florey, we have… work to do!" I grabbed Harriet by the arm and started to walk off with her when I noticed I was not being followed. My shadow was still behind me! I turned around and saw Florey still sitting on the ground, wisps of smoke still rising from him, mouth wide open and weak inner-fluorescence fluctuating wildly. "Florey?"

"Was… was that… a unicorn?"

I shook him out of his awe and we grabbed the girls and decided it was time to go. As we flew away, the crowd cheered at us and we let them. And they silenced quickly as a World War II bomber fell out of a vortex in the clouds and onto their heads. That was what they came for, so we let them have their fun. We flew off, leaving Captain Morgan and the others to clean up their mess and went back to our secret, err… bachelor pad, to give the girls what they came for.

I love my job!

Written by - twitch
Revised and Edited (twice) by – Bob!
Bob! Would Like to Thank – Sensei Toshi Yagamanti and his Assimilation Dojo
Lucy Furr played by – Ethel Stopheles
Harriet Feline played by – Harold Richard
Newton played by – The Amazing David Copperfield
Anti-Gravity Goldfish played by – The Flying Goldmans (appear courtesy of Cyco Circis)
Captain Morgan Played by – Alicia’s and my long-lost cat, Morgan LeFay
Crowd of Freaks played by – Rolling Stones Fans
With Apologies to the Rolling Stones – Not the Band, Actual Rocks that Roll Down Hills
Author’s Favorite Childhood Book – On Beyond Zebra by Dr. Seuss
Unforgotten Friend – The Sloth?