VOICES
There it is, that's the house. Don't be afraid, you were there two nights ago. Nobody caught you then, nobody will catch you tonight. Well, think about it, do you really want that stuff? If you do, you better get your ass in there and get it. Otherwise, all is lost, pal.
Don't worry so much, it's the middle of the night and look at all the windows, they're dark. Everyone's asleep. No nosy neighbors tonight. So just walk in there and do this and then you can go home. Sure. Just walk right in there. You did remember the key, didn't you? Left pocket. Other left, nimrod. That one, that's it.
Remember, the door creaks when you open, so go really slow. Slower! Dammit, that was too loud, anyone hear?
Ok, it doesn't look like anything's stirring just yet. Get inside, quick, don't slam the door, shut it softly. There ya go, that's better.
Ok, now where did you leave that... think, think, think... boy that Winnie the Pooh was a genius, huh? Think, think, think! The den? Let's take a look. I think the den was over here, across from the kitchen. Oops, that's the office, well, while we're here, let's check this body.
Oh, yeah, the fat guy. God, he stinks! No, he's not looking at you, his eyes just popped back open, it's normal. Check his pockets. Oh stop, whining, just check them. You better get that stuff back or you're screwed.
Right pocket. Nothing.
Left pocket. Keys. A piece of paper? Hmmm.... A phone number... Annie? Little Orphan Annie? Who cares? Shove it in his mouth. 'Eat Annie, you sick dead bastard!' Hehehe.... Ok, I doubt he has it, go find the den now.
Down the hall. Past the living room. What a mess... by the way, good job putting that ketchup all over your bloodstain. The cops will just think that a ketchup bottle got stepped on right there and not bother looking underneath.
Here it is, the den. The fuzzy guy. Damn, the hair's all over the place, make sure you clean your shoes off good, far away from your house. Pockets. Right. Nothing. Left, nothing. Back pockets? A wallet. Ugly picture, but aren't they all. Name, Bob, etc. etc. Yeah, yeah, pictures of a dog, flip. Oh, my god, this piece of shit has pictures of the girls in his frickin' wallet! What a sick bastard! Kick him again. God, I wish he could feel that! Anything else in there? No, put it back, the cops will see the pictures.
Ok, the desk. Stuff, stuff, more pictures, the sick freaks. Kick him again. Here it is! The address book. And there's your name. I can't believe we knew these guys. Good thing you didn't get to be TOO good of friends with them, eh? Grab the book.
Go upstairs. Yes, upstairs, you need the watch. Did you forget about the watch? Yes, you need it! The can trace it back to you. Idiot!
Wait... kick him again!
Ok, upstairs.
First room. Oh, yeah, nobody in there. Try the last room. Yeah, here it is, cameras and all. There's the sick bastard that orchestrated the whole thing. Kick him a few times. Harder! Ok, look around. The watch is here, right around here. Don't turn the light on, your eyes have adjusted, you don't need it. Um... try under him? Damn, he stinks. He's all stiff and stuff. Here it is, grab and go.
Wait, check his wallet. No, not for more pictures, get his money. Sometimes I can't believe a squeamish baby like you could pull something like this off. Just get his money. No, go, time to get out of here.
Wait! Kick him again!
Down the - Door? Shit, someone's knocking. Who the hell would be here at this time of night? Police? POLICE!!! You're screwed, but they don't know you're here yet. Go, hide in the den again. Go away, cops, nobody's home, we're all dead! Heh.... Ok, get the money out of this guy's wallet. Damn, he's broke.
Who is that other voice? Neighbor? What's she saying?
" - saw them upstairs through the window..."
That bitch!
" - possible illegal entrance..."
Oh no... they're coming in, aren't they? Door! Close the door to the den. Uh-oh, front door.... They're in, under the couch! Flashlights, voices, ignore them, you're not here. Upstairs, more than one person. Crack the door, look... Nobody's here. Down the hall... QUIETLY!
They're coming back down, they found the body. They'll have to search the rest of the place and they're calling for backup! You really screwed up now! I told you not to come back here. Dodge back in the office. Close the door quietly. Good, they didn't hear you. Grab this guy's wallet. Forty bucks, good haul. Window... Real quietly... Slowly! Dammit, it squeaked, did they hear? Flashlight at the door, they heard. GO! NOW! Outside, run, take your gloves off, if someone else catches you, they'll look suspicious. Just drop them, throw them, it doesn't matter. RUN!
Around the corner, between the buildings. I think you might have lost them. Donut-eating crap. God, I hate cops. Go into the liquor store.
Calm, casual. Don't breath heavy, I know you're out of breath, just breath normal. Get some ice cream, Moose Tracks. Now go pay for it, you got some money now, heh.
"Howdy."
Don't talk to me, you bastard, I have more important things to deal with, like avoiding cops for murder and breaking and entering and probably a bunch of other things I don't know that I did wrong. "Hi."
"Nice night, eh?"
If you don't mind getting chased and smelling dead corpses and putting your hands all over sick dead people who have a tendency toward girls who don't have a tendency toward them, yeah, I guess it would be a good night, eh? "Beautiful. Actually I just woke up not too long ago, these are still my pajamas." Smile at the idiot. Good thing you're still wearing your pajamas.
"Really?" What a stupid grin! "And you eat ice cream for breakfast?"
What an idiot! "No (laugh) just getting a midnight snack, really." Stop talking to me and ring the damn thing up.
"Ahhh... gotcha...."
No, you don't dimwit, that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid! Door, it's the cops. Quick glance, nod, nothing major. You've seen cops before when you didn't do anything bad, don't act any different now.
"Excuse me, have either of you seen someone suspicious running around the store?"
Do I look suspicious? "No, sir." I know you don't like to be formal, but they like it, so don't push it.
"No, sir, I've been working here for five hours already. This is the first customer I've had for fifteen minutes and there was no one for almost two hours before that."
"What did the other person look like?"
I hope they looked sort of like you.
"About - "
Outside, kids, that diverted their attention. Yeah, go get 'em, copper! God, I hate middle-schoolers. Shouldn't even be out this late, there are psycho murderers out there. "Well, talk to ya later." Smile at him again, just for good measure.
"Ok, be careful." Thanks for caring.
Outside. Pass the cops, walk the opposite way you came. Good thing the store lies between your house and theirs.
"You be careful going home." Stupid cop.
"Thank you, sir. Just getting some ice cream for a midnight snack, I'm only about a block up, I'll be fine." Hold up the bag so he can see. Point up the road so he can see it's the opposite way he was thinking.
"Ok, just be careful, and when you get home, lock your doors and windows."
"Uh... ok. I'll do that. Good night, be careful, guys." They like it when you show that you care for them. God, I hate stupid cops. Damn pigs!
Start walking, like a normal person. Normal. Don't swing the bag. Don't draw any more attention to yourself. Yeah, go back and pay attention to the kids, stupid pig.
And there is your house. And you are home free!
Now, go eat some ice cream!